"Can you believe I did that?

"I let them cut him, just because this is what they do here. Just because I am a complete coward. How can I forgive myself ever?

"Now, not only they’d cut him in the most sensitive part of his body. Not only they’d cut him in the most sensitive stage of his life, not only they’d cut my very flesh and blood – it also went wrong. He didn’t make it. Only after a day had passed we could see the damage – it was only half cut. A thin layer of skin was still attached.

"So this man is approaching and uses his bare hands – his dirty fingernails and just pulling it down – son held in my tortured hands, screaming his lungs out. I had to look, I had to see what he was doing to be sure it is going to be ok – but I couldn’t look – so I was looking and biting my hand to blood.

"Than it was still not over. Only hours later a doctor came and was shocked to see all this mess left. So again the little fellow needed to have his little thing uncovered and “fixed”.

"Now every touch, every time we unwrap his nappy he cries like hell. So early and so scared of life. So early and such a complete failure of fatherhood.

"How can I ever forgive myself?!

"The most terrible thing that occurs to mind is – this might all happen all over again. In the years to pass until a new one is to be born I might be again as frightened and as dumb to let it all happen again. The only reason to keep a coward like me alive right now is his need for someone to be there for him from this moment on. It seems I am the only one left for the job, although quite clearly not the fitting one."